I sucked at giving feedback, when I became a new manager, 10 years ago.
I sugar coated critical feedback. I was afraid people would hate me and quit, if I gave them negative feedback.
I was over protective of my team. One time a senior engineer gave critical feedback that delayed one of my engineer's promotion. I got personally offended and I tried everything possible to change their mind with counter points. And failed.
They were right about the feedback.
I shared the feedback so that the engineer can fix the issue and we could retry the promotion next cycle. However, I added my own sugar coating so that my engineer would not feel hurt. This sugar coating likely diluted the impact of the feedback.
On the contrary, I was following a different style with my wife, my family, friends and folks in my inner circle. Here I was brutal honesty and many times unkind while delivering criticism and feedback. Because for some stupid reason I thought they would automatically understand my intent and good will for them. I was overly blunt. This lead to obvious friction and pain.
Over the years, after some painful lessons, I adopted a direct yet empathetic approach.
Kim Scott in her 2019 book Radical candor, does an amazing job explaining how I was operating in different situations. I wish she had written the book 10 years sooner. I could have avoided painful mistakes. 🤦🏼♂️
Kim shares 4 ways to share critical feedback.
1. Obnoxious Aggression is when you challenge someone directly, but don’t show you care about them personally. I sometimes was slipping into this place when dealing with family members.
2. Ruinous Empathy is when you Care Personally, but fail to Challenge Directly. It’s praise that isn’t specific enough to help the person understand what was good, or criticism that is sugar-coated and unclear. Or simply silence. Ruinous Empathy may feel nice or safe, but is ultimately unhelpful and damaging.
I started off here as a manager often sugar coating feedback, made my mistakes and quickly learnt my lessons.
3. Manipulative Insincerity — backstabbing, political or passive-aggressive behavior — is what happens when you neither Care Personally nor Challenge Directly. It’s praise that is insincere, flattery to a person’s face and harsh criticism behind their back. Often it’s a self-protective reaction to Obnoxious Aggression. This is the worst kind of feedback fail.
I have noticed most people tend to start at #1 or #2.
As kids we either learn to be nice and kind, or confrontational or manipulative based on our environment.
4. Radical Candor is Caring Personally while Challenging Directly. At its core, Radical Candor is guidance and feedback that’s both kind and clear, specific and sincere. This is where the magic happens. This is where the growth is maximum.
This 2X2 matrix is a wonderful way to reflect on how you give feedback.
I sugar coated critical feedback. I was afraid people would hate me and quit, if I gave them negative feedback.
I was over protective of my team. One time a senior engineer gave critical feedback that delayed one of my engineer's promotion. I got personally offended and I tried everything possible to change their mind with counter points. And failed.
They were right about the feedback.
I shared the feedback so that the engineer can fix the issue and we could retry the promotion next cycle. However, I added my own sugar coating so that my engineer would not feel hurt. This sugar coating likely diluted the impact of the feedback.
On the contrary, I was following a different style with my wife, my family, friends and folks in my inner circle. Here I was brutal honesty and many times unkind while delivering criticism and feedback. Because for some stupid reason I thought they would automatically understand my intent and good will for them. I was overly blunt. This lead to obvious friction and pain.
Over the years, after some painful lessons, I adopted a direct yet empathetic approach.
Kim Scott in her 2019 book Radical candor, does an amazing job explaining how I was operating in different situations. I wish she had written the book 10 years sooner. I could have avoided painful mistakes. 🤦🏼♂️
Kim shares 4 ways to share critical feedback.
1. Obnoxious Aggression is when you challenge someone directly, but don’t show you care about them personally. I sometimes was slipping into this place when dealing with family members.
2. Ruinous Empathy is when you Care Personally, but fail to Challenge Directly. It’s praise that isn’t specific enough to help the person understand what was good, or criticism that is sugar-coated and unclear. Or simply silence. Ruinous Empathy may feel nice or safe, but is ultimately unhelpful and damaging.
I started off here as a manager often sugar coating feedback, made my mistakes and quickly learnt my lessons.
3. Manipulative Insincerity — backstabbing, political or passive-aggressive behavior — is what happens when you neither Care Personally nor Challenge Directly. It’s praise that is insincere, flattery to a person’s face and harsh criticism behind their back. Often it’s a self-protective reaction to Obnoxious Aggression. This is the worst kind of feedback fail.
I have noticed most people tend to start at #1 or #2.
As kids we either learn to be nice and kind, or confrontational or manipulative based on our environment.
4. Radical Candor is Caring Personally while Challenging Directly. At its core, Radical Candor is guidance and feedback that’s both kind and clear, specific and sincere. This is where the magic happens.
This is where the growth is maximum.
This 2X2 matrix is a wonderful way to reflect on how you give feedback.